Yesterday I fell apart! Not just once but twice…ok maybe 3 times but who’s counting?! I am usually trying hard to play Switzerland and be whatever you need to be! Most of the times, it involves a tough exterior because inside, I am a really big softie, I just really don’t like people knowing it! I over think things, I react emotionally quickly, I’m hurt by small things that people do and most times I say “No worries” just because I don’t want to rock the boat! Turns out, I needed to fall apart to be put back together!
So you’ll remember a post or two back I wrote about my struggles with Christmas, well yesterday I stared it right in the face and I cried! Ava had gone to Grandma’s and was supposed to be home later that day! Bruce was asleep still, Zoe had gone down for the 1st nap of the day, this was my chance to start putting together the puzzle that is our Christmas Tree. We usually end up arguing over the tree every year because Ava likes to do thing her way, which usually never involves any type of organization or calmness. We’ve been trying to teach her about following steps but well… it’s a work in progress!
In that moment, I realized that I couldn’t keep dwelling, that this is the last Christmas I will ever have with a 6-year-old and a 13-month-old and to enjoy that moment! I can be sad for the years past that won’t happen again but I needed to be here and appreciate this moment right now as these moments are fleeting! All alone in the living room, I cried, I handled every single memory, I laughed and then I cried again then I placed them in a smaller box for when this doesn’t feel so hard. This growing up thing sucks!
I put those memories away both physically and emotionally, they are of course still here, just moved to a different room so to speak! Zoe woke up from her nap and as Bruce carried her out of her room, still rubbing her eyes, as soon as they focused, they connected with this big green thing in the corner. She lit up in awe and wonderment, my heart jumped! I needed to make room for that moment.
So while I am definitely in mourning for Christmas past, I feel ok with it at the same time because I am making room for the new memories, I think it was just that time! I guess that’s one of the hardest parts of adulting at Christmas time, making room to create new memories when you’re not ready to say goodbye to the old, maybe it’s a loved one passed on, maybe it’s your children growing up, maybe it’s not connecting with your friends on the same level anymore. Either way, Christmas can be hard and not always easy to deal with but keeping in mind the true meaning of Christmas, it’s about family and love not presents and material goods. So if you’re tree doesn’t get up until 5 days before Christmas, it’s ok, the tree doesn’t make it Christmas. Love makes it Christmas and my gift this year to myself mostly is to let love in! Be ok with the past and look forward to the future!