We talk about losing ourselves after having children, we become mothers the world shifts and our own importance becomes mute! Now on the flip side, our kids grow up far too quickly and lately, I’ve been reflecting on those moments when they need you a little less. Those moments when you feel like your role in motherhood is not as relevant in their lives anymore.
Now I’m lucky, as my Zoe is 3.5 and my needy child. She needs constant affection, lots of hugs and plenty of “I Love You’s!” Ava is Miss independent, she was born ready to rock and roll. She is tough as nails, a quality that I used to thoroughly enjoy. As she maneuvers through life, she needs me less or at least she thinks she does!
As she pulls away from me when faced with a struggle, I become frustrated because I want to help her. I want to mother her, I want to tell her how to handle the situation, to make everything ok again for her. She wants to face it on her own, to make her way through it whether or not it’s the easy way.
I fear the day when she sets off on her own. It’s inevitable, much like her mama, this girl was born to fly. I graduated from high school and I hit the ground running. I knew Saskatchewan was always going to be home but it wasn’t going to be where I laid my head each night. I wanted to experience more, I wanted more than SK could offer.
Over the last few years, my family has changed quite a bit. My parents separated, we almost lost my grandma due to failing health and family members have grown apart. I myself have changed quite a bit. I won’t lie starting this blog, giving birth to Zoe, with all those changes looming in the background, I’m not the same as I once was. I’ve seen the biggest change within myself just within this last year.
One thing I know is that motherhood has changed me, it’s grounded my wild side and given my life direction and purpose. I’ve learned unconditional love and a little bit about letting go. Motherhood has also given me purpose and joy in ways I never knew was possible. It’s also given me anxiety, determination and the anger of a mama bear that I’ve never felt before. I cannot imagine my life without my girls for better or worse!
I’ve reflected on these changes, the person I was, the person I am, and the person I continue to work on being. I’ve met some of the best friends I’ve ever had within the last few years, I’ve felt support in ways I never knew possible. When my parents separated, it felt like everything I ever knew was a fraud. My husband bless his heart has been patient with me. I admired my parents’ differences, as my husband and I are both very different people. In the end, after 37 years, to me, it felt like their differences were eventually what broke the camels back.
My parents have both changed, ultimately they are both free to live their lives as they see fit. Of course, they are both still parents however, I imagine that the feeling of parental responsibility is significantly less. I won’t go into the nitty gritty but just know that relationships have changed, for better or worse. I’m finally seeing my parents as people, less of a parent but more now as their own individual. It made me think, do they now think of themselves as less of a parent? Does the responsibility of parenthood still sit on their shoulders?
When does it happen or does it happen? Do you ever feel like less of a parent? Does that weight of motherhood ever lift? I cannot imagine waking up one day thinking none of my girls need me. Perhaps I’ll be that crazy mom who shows up uninvited EVERYWHERE just so I feel needed. I’ll get their faces printed on T-shirts and show up at their work… too far?
All Photos by the lovely Kristy Powers Photography
Do you think you ever stop feeling the weight of motherhood?
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